We Are Broken
by LaraRyan
Summary: I struggled through the profound ache in my heart and whispered "may we meet again" before I couldn't take it anymore. I walked away and made sure I didn't look back." – Clarke's alternate journey after Mount Weather.
1. Chapter 1 - Awakening

Greetings from Australia. Starting a new chapter of my life and with it, a new story. I'm all about speaking your mind so whether it's positive or negative, feel free to express your opinions about this. Love to you all...

Chapter 1 - Awakening

* * *

We saved them. We had saved our people. We defeated Mount Weather. Then why did I feel so empty? I knew why, of course I knew why.

"…you don't have to do this alone" Bellamy said, in a last attempt to get me to stay. Looking back, maybe things would have been easier if I had, but I don't regret leaving.

"I bare it so they don't have to." I replied, feeling the lump forming in my throat. I wouldn't cry though. This was what I needed.

"Where you gonna go?" he asked and I knew I couldn't give him an answer that would make either of us feel better about my decision because, honestly, I had no idea.

"I don't know." Was all I could manage to say; anything else would've been a lie. He looked so sad, so defeated and lost. He was almost like my brother to me now and that just made it that much harder. I leant in and kissed his cheek, saying a silent goodbye because I couldn't muster the word, and wrapped my arms around him. It wasn't just him I was leaving behind, it was everyone and so I hugged him tight, picturing everyone I wished I could say goodbye to. I struggled through the profound ache in my heart and whispered "may we meet again" before I couldn't take it anymore. I walked away and made sure I didn't look back.

* * *

Wake up. Wake up. I kept repeating it over and over, like a metronome systematically ticking in my head. Wake up. Wake up. But I couldn't manage to open my eyes. It felt like a state of paralysis. I felt the need to wake but was physically incapable of doing so. Something bad must have happened; Had I fallen? Was I attacked? Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. The panic started to set in and I could feel my breathing become labored. My chest hurt and my palms began to sweat.

The images started to flood my mind; people dying, drenched in blood and horrible sores, burns bubbling on their skin like melting plastic. I wanted to help them, so badly, but I was stuck in this paralysis, unable to move or speak, unable to save them. There screams echoed in my head like some torturous song, on repeat and I started to realize they were not just my dreams, but my memories.

Wake up.

Finally, I managed to pry my eyes open but instantly regretted it. The sun was harsh and in prime position. It must have been close to midday. _Where the hell am I?_ I thought. I couldn't remember how I got there, but that was wasn't unusual. After a while all the different parts of the forest started to blend together in a sea of greens and browns. Being on the ground was supposed to be bliss, but being on the ground alone, was turning into repetitive insanity.

The trees were tall, so much so that I had to squint to see where they ended. The moss was thick on the ground beneath me and I was at least relived that the spongy surface helped the discomfort of my aching back. I attempted to sit up but my stomach muscles screamed in protest, aching from being overworked and under-nourished for the past…it had to have been about a month since I left.

With the help of the nearby tree I managed to pull myself into a sitting position but at the same time, knocked my thigh into a protruding tree root. A sharp pain shot up my entire leg and an uncontrollable shriek left my lips. I looked down and saw two gashes sliced through pants and into my left thigh. I must've had the sense to apply pressure to it before I passed out because the blood had clotted slightly on the surface so it wasn't bleeding much.

I tried to recall the previous day and how this happened. My brain was foggy and I felt woozy, no doubt from the blood loss but it slowly started to come back. It started out the same as any other day; waking up, foraging for food, nothing out of the ordinary. After a good few hours of wandering around the forest, I decided to make camp near what I thought was an old building collapsed into rubble, but it turned out to be the home particularly hostile cougar. I wasn't sure how I got away from it but I guessed something must have gotten it before it could get me, well mostly. I remembered running through the forest, the animal right behind me, as I sprinted to the heavy foliage, hoping to either lose it or hide from it, but before I reached the shrubs, a high-pitched roar of pain caught my ears before there was nothing but silence. I stayed there for a good hour before deciding it was safe and moved on. Once I was sure I had put a good distance between myself and the animal I collapsed.

I sighed, happy to at least understand my ailments, and rested my back against the large tree. I was so exhausted. Sleep doesn't come easy to me anymore. Not only because of the hazardous environment that's now home, but because of the dreams, and the rage and the emotions. Nothing is simple anymore, nothing is easy, nothing is safe

For the last month, I had been trying to avoid my sadness towards what I had done to those people in the mountain, tried to avoid my guilt over leaving my people, and the anger, the hatred and, above all betrayal I felt towards Lexa. Not only that but I felt abandoned, unwanted, used. A lot of the time I just felt like hitting someone and I knew If I were to ever see her again, that's exactly what I'd do, or worse. The thought of killing her had crossed my mind, a couple of times, when the pain got too much and the loneliness was so considerable that the hollow feeling in my stomach couldn't be satiated with food or water. But then I'd snap back and hate myself for thinking that. I never wanted to see her again but I figured that if it came down to it, I wouldn't be able to kill her. That just wasn't me. But wasn't that just the point? I wasn't me anymore. Hell, I couldn't even recognize myself, and I found myself wondering if I was actually capable of something like that.

Right then though I couldn't think about any of that, all I could do was move forward. Because if I didn't move forward, then the barriers I had spent so long building, would crack like a dam wall until the eventually the flood poured in and I was left drowning. Alone.

I sighed, knowing it was time to move on, I couldn't stay there. If you stay in one spot too long on the ground, things tend to pick up your scent. I found that out the hard way.

I grabbed tight to the tree and heaved myself up, wincing in pain. Leaning back against the mossy, damp trunk gave me some relief. The day was going to be muggy. Those were the worst, when the heat and moisture clung to my skin and wouldn't let go. When the air became hard to breathe and the animals became even more threatening, over-heated and temperamental. But then nightfall would come and with it, the unbearable cold. It was almost funny how suddenly opposing the weather could become in such a short period of time. That's one of the most dangerous things about the ground, the unpredictability of it all.

After I had wrapped my leg in a piece of cloth, I set off. My footsteps fell heavy on the forest floor, leaving imprints in the moss. East was my goal. _Just keep heading east until you find something_. I didn't know what I was looking for. Maybe a village, some new people who didn't know me, or care who I was. Who didn't consider my past as what defined me. All I knew was that Polis and Arkadia were in the opposite direction and that was exactly where I didn't want to be.

I continued on for an hour or so before my leg couldn't take it anymore. I had to rest. My pack wasn't heavy but after hours of carrying the weight, it felt like hauling a bag of rocks. I set it down with a huff and grabbed a bottle of water, greedily guzzling it down like it was air, and after finishing the entire bottle, I decided I should probably eat something, but as I reached into my pack I heard it. A stick snapped. It was hard to determine exactly how close but I knew I was definitely not alone. I held my breath and crouched low, trying to remain as silent as possible whilst listening for any other sounds.

For a few moments, there was nothing but the occasional bird chirping. But then it happened again, this time a soft rustle of leaves beneath feet, closer this time and then another but I couldn't see anyone. Whatever it was, was closing in but I couldn't see anything in any direction. How could that be…unless they weren't on the ground.

I looked up just in time to see a figure jump from the trees and slam me to the ground. My head smacked harshly into a protruding tree root and I was instantly dizzy and knew I must be bleeding. I tried feebly to push the person off me but they were far stronger than I was. They trapped me between their thighs and beneath their hands as I struggled to get free.

"Let me go!" I shouted, my voice breaking mid-sentence, hoarse from not speaking for so long.

They quickly pulled out a knife and held it too my throat, trying to make me shut up, I suppose and it was then I realized the figure was a man. I should've known earlier, due to the sheer size of him but it all happened so quickly.

I snapped my mouth shut, silently telling him I would cooperate. He nodded, happy with my submission, before aggressively stabbing the knife into the ground next to my head and pulling out a short rope. "Wanheda will serve the Ice Queen," he hissed as he tied my hands together. I had no idea what he was talking about and I was starting losing consciousness, the blood loss from my head, and surely my leg, was making me feel tired. However, I found a little comfort in knowing he planned on taking me instead killing me right there. I conceded to the darkness that I was falling into, the edges of my vision beginning to blur.

Suddenly a deep crack resonated above me and I felt the pressure on my chest lift. I couldn't understand what was happening and I wanted to sit up and look but I couldn't manage it. I forced my bleary eyes open slightly and a blurry figure loomed large over me. The last thing I remember seeing before I blacked out, was a head of braided, dark hair.

* * *

I was panicking, I knew I was, and sweating. I could feel the moisture gathering on my forehead and running down the right side of my face. I had to wake up. Something brush across my face, I could've sworn it did. It was soft, barely there, but I know I felt it. It brought me back to consciousness and few moments later I managed to open my eyes, but the panic didn't stop.

I stared up at a rock wall above me; _A cave?_ I thought. Shadows danced across the jagged interior, generated by the fire crackling beside me, some of them almost resembling figures. I couldn't relax. Each time a flicker of the bright flame created a counterpoint of darkness across the wall, I would jump. I couldn't be alone. Someone must have brought me here.

I sat up, hissing as a sharp pain erupted at the back of my head. Gently, I reached for it feeling the shallow cut and large bump underneath my hair. It wasn't deep but the scalp tends to bleed a lot when cut open, compared to some other parts of the body. Someone must have cleaned it, though because I couldn't feel any dried blood around the area.

I cautiously took in my surroundings, being mindful of any potential threats. Nothing. There was no one there. I thought about leaving right then and there but was afraid whoever it was, was waiting for me outside and I didn't know if they were friend or foe, so I stayed put for the moment.

I took another look around and to my surprise, I noticed a plate of food on my other side; berries, an apple and some cooked meat. I suddenly realized how hungry I was and how long it had been since I had a decent meal. My stomach remembered too and growled loudly. I glanced at the cave entrance once more before I dug in. The berries cracked open in my mouth and the sweet juice was the best thing I had ever tasted. It helped to quench my hunger and thirst at the same time and within seconds they were gone. The meat was next and it was salty and tender, and everything I needed. When I finished the plate, I felt better, fuller, stronger and more awake than I had in days.

I sat the plate down where I'd found it and wiped my hands on my, already filthy pants. A second later I heard footsteps. They were light, but purposeful and definitely belonged to a grounder. My people hadn't learned to be so stealthy yet. I pushed myself back against the far wall of the cave and looked around for something to defend myself with. A piece of rock that had been chipped away from the wall lay next to me which I swiftly snatched up, just as the person stepped around the corner into the light.

All at once every ounce of anger, frustration, guilt, sadness and hatred that I had felt over the past few months came crashing down, as she came into view. She was only slightly startled to see me awake but other than that she looked just as she always did; poised but vigilant, fierce, and as beautiful as ever. There was something else, though, something I'd seen in her before but never to this degree. Remorse I guess would be the best way to describe it and I must admit that it brought me some satisfaction, seeing her like that. She deserved it after what she did to me.

My anger had not subsided and though I was feeling a mixed bag of emotions, at least I could distinguish that one from the rest. Unfortunately for her, that was the emotion that overtook me and there was no stopping it.

I sprung up and ran at her, ignoring the pain in my leg and she wasn't expecting it because despite her years of training I managed to wrap my arms tightly around her waist before tackling her to the solid, rocky ground, the stone falling from my grasp. She grunted as her back contacted the hard surface but I didn't stop. My blind rage was too much and I'd held it in for long enough. I sat up and immediately slapped her in the side of her face with my palm. She gasped in shock and I did it again. The second hit must have caused her brain to catch up because she swiftly grabbed a hold of my wrists and pulled me down and into her before flipping us over. I struggled against her, thrashing beneath her like a cornered animal.

"Clarke." She tried to reason but I could barely hear her over my struggle, "Clarke!" she yelled it close to my face this time, pulling my arms to my chest in between our bodies. "Stop. please." she was begging now and my resolve began to weaken. "I'm sorry," she said it so soft I barely heard it but I did and I finally gave in, going limp beneath her. Then the tears came, rolling down my cheeks in waves, as my chest began to shake with sobs. "I'm so sorry." She said with such earnest that I knew she truly was but it didn't make anything better.

"I hate you." I whispered through my tears. She visibly flinched but didn't look away from me.

"I know. I'm sorry." She said again and I don't know why but it made me feel ten times worse. She pressed her forehead against mine and I could feel her uneven breath against my face. It was too much. "Get off me, Lexa." I hiccupped mid-sentence.

She looked at me in the eyes for a couple of long seconds before she nodded and removed herself from my body. I felt cold, but also relieved to not have her so close. She scooted back against the wall and gave me some space, which I was grateful for, and I sat up as well, glancing at her briefly.

Nothing was said for a long time, many minutes but I wasn't about to give her the satisfaction of speaking to her first.

"I know there are many things you would like to know, and I know how you must fell about me." She spoke, her voice controlled and unwavering as always and I hated that she could remain so poised at a time like this. Clearly the silence gave her the time she needed to get back into her Commander mode.

I looked at her and she was staring back at me, waiting. "How did you find me?" I decided to start with. I had managed to calm down slightly. That didn't mean I didn't want to attack again her but the blind need was no longer there.

"I followed your trail. You are good at many things, but you do not cover your tracks well." She replied and if I wasn't so livid I might have found her honest and completely factual answer amusing. I let the comment slide though in favor of gaining some answers.

"So, why are you here? What do you want?" I guess she didn't like my blatantly obvious aversion to her presence because I noticed the corner of her mouth twitch down, almost in a frown.

"That is a complicated question. I'm not sure you are quite ready for the answer." I rolled my eyes. Her and her damn cryptic answers. I was not in the mood for any of this. The fact that I even allowed her any of my time should have been considered a gift.

"Look, if you're not gonna be straight with me then I'm just going to go, because honestly it feels like we've already spent too much time together." I got up to leave but she grabbed my wrist.

"Clarke, wait." She pleaded. I yanked my hand away and glared harshly at her.

"Don't touch me." I hissed. She held her hands up in surrender and leant back against wall, seemingly unoffended.

"I'm sorry, but I just need you to try and understand, this isn't an easy thing to explain. Honestly, I would prefer to not have to bring you into this but, this is as much to do with you as it is to do with me. You're in danger Clarke." I scoffed, now she's concerned about my safety?

"Why would you even care? It's not like you gave a shit about me a month ago when you abandoned me to your greatest enemy. Why do you care now?"

"Clarke," she pleaded but I'd had enough.

"No, you know what, don't bother. I don't need or want your help. Whatever you think is threatening me, I'll deal what it myself, like I always do." I grabbed my jacket and pack that was laying on the ground and stormed towards the exit.

"Clarke, I can't let you leave." She said and I scoffed.

"Try and stop me." I told her, and before I could get out the entrance I ran straight into a big, burly grounder who loomed over me, armed with a sword. I looked back at her incredulously. _Was she seriously going to keep me hostage?_

"Like I said, Clarke…we need to talk."


	2. Chapter 2 - Fallout

**CHAPTER 2 - Fallout**

You could say I was pissed off. You could also say I was sulking…you would be right, but I didn't care. I felt like a petulant child, being told what I could and couldn't do, being forced back inside against my will.

It seemed to be late in the evening at that time, judging by the lack of light filtering through the cave entrance and the only sound that could be heard was the crackle of the fire as I sat against the far wall of my new enclosure. This time, however, a man, much the same height and build as Lincoln, blocked my exit.

Lexa had introduced him as Soran, one of her new personal guards. He was solid, but nowhere near as much of a brick of a man as Gustus, and he was most certainly a warrior. His battle experience evident, mainly because of the various scars scattered across his dark skin and the fact that he had only one eye. A black piece of cloth covered where the other one would have been and was tied tightly around his head. His midnight, black hair, roughly the same length as Lexa's was pulled back into a single braid and if I wasn't so livid about the current situation I would've considered him attractive. As it stood, my mood had dampened any pleasant thoughts towards either of them.

Lexa stood directly across from me, leaning against the wall but still with perfect posture. Her gaze was fixed on me but every time I glanced her way, her eyes would shoot somewhere else and I could tell she was thinking of ways to start a conversation with me. The silence was growing unbearable between the three of us and it took a long time for her to gather her courage to speak to me again but after a good ten minutes of collecting her thoughts she finally addressed me. "Clarke, I know this must be difficult for you-"

"Don't pretend for a second, that you give a damn about my well-being." I hissed and she sighed. There was no way I was making this easy for me and I could tell she was getting frustrated. Good. She deserved it.

Soran stood, as stoic as the grounders come, blocking the exit but my raised voice, directed towards Lexa, had captured his attention. His arms were folded tightly to his chest, the convexity of his tensed muscles, forming his large biceps while he kept a careful eye on me, as if I could do any serious damage to his Commander. My mind flipped as it tried to come up with ways to get past him. _Maybe if there was a distraction-_

"I know what you're thinking, but Soran is a much more experienced warrior, Clarke. You will not be able to disarm or evade him. You should also know; he is not my only companion on this trip." She had me. It was difficult enough to out-maneuver one grounder let alone two or more. No, for the moment, that cave was my prison.

I glared at her, my stomach filling with a burning rage again. "This is kidnapping, you know. Normal people have rules and laws against this sort of thing." Surely her kind had some sort of system against this.

She cocked her head to the side in confusion, "But you are not a child, nor are you sleeping. I do not understand, why would you have laws against such a thing?" I sighed in frustration. She was the most well-spoken grounder I had met but of course she wouldn't understand that particular word.

"No that's not what it… Look, can you just call off your guard dog so I can get back to what little semblance of a livable life I had before you showed up to destroy it, again?" A ghost of a frown slipped onto her face; clearly she was hurt by those words and if this was two months ago, I might have felt bad.

"While I understand your anger towards me right now, we've got bigger issues to deal with and this cannot wait any longer. You are not leaving until you listen to what I have to say." Her tone was more direct now; the Commander was back.

I sighed, knowing that if I didn't cooperate this would drag on forever. Her stubbornness was even more considerable than my own "Fine, then stop beating around the bush and tell me." She looked at me confusedly, clearly not understanding the expression. Thankfully she ignored it this time and agreed.

"Very well." She replied and turned to her guard, "Gyon au, Sùron. Ai raun kom Sérsia en hod op gon ai hedon." I could only take a guess as to what she told him but it seemed she asked him to wait outside because he immediately gave a sharp nod and a "Sha, Heda," then left but not before shooting one last look of warning in my direction. The tone of his voice was what shook me, however as it was a lot deeper and huskier than I had imagined.

Lexa stood up and began to slowly pace back and forth, the shadowy, rock wall backdrop only adding to her unyielding demeanor and not once did she look at me, until she spoke, "The first and most important thing you need to understand is, you are in danger."

I sighed again in exasperation, this was becoming an irritating merry-go-round that I couldn't get off, but I definitely wanted to, "You keep saying that but you haven't given me a reason. Why would anyone want to hurt me now? I've been gone for almost a month and haven't even talked to a single person in all that time." This was getting ridiculous, she wasn't making sense and I was getting frustrated, especially because she hadn't even mentioned or considered herself to be any part of the pain in my life already.

"You're in danger because of what you did, Clarke." Now I was more than confused. What was she talking about?

"What I did? What did I do?" I asked. She sat silently and waited for a few long second, then it dawned on me and her remorseful expression only confirmed it. "You mean Mount Weather." She nodded. I was livid again, "And you think that that's my doing? Are you freakin' kidding me?! If you think I'm going to sit here and let you skip out on taking any responsibility-"

"Clarke this is not the time for blame and it is hardly the point I am trying to make right now."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Commander, what exactly is your point? Because so far all I'm hearing is the sound your footsteps made when you walked away and abandoned me and my people." She sucked in a deep breath through her nose, I assume to try and calm herself. I knew my words would cut deep but so what? Nothing I say could hurt her more than her actions hurt me.

After a moment she continued, "My point is, whether you want to accept it or not, you took down the Mountain Men. The part I played in that war is irrelevant because it was you who killed them, who destroyed the greatest threat to my people."

"Alright, let's say for arguments sake that I get what you're saying, but then why the hell do you think there's some big threat to my existence. It was a victory for all your people, wasn't it? And please just stop being cryptic and answer me straight."

She nodded in understanding, "Very well, have you ever heard one of my people use the word 'Wanheda'?" She asked, and I would've tried to come up with some sarcastic remark just to piss her off some more, but I did recognize it. She must've seen the recognition in my face. "You have heard it before."

I nodded. "Yeah, um, the man who attacked me earlier, he said… something to me before he tied me up but I don't-."

"Clarke, this is important. What did he say?" I tried to remember. My memory was fuzzy, bits and pieces, fragments of before and after my head hit the ground, "Try to recall."

She wasn't helping at all, but it all suddenly snapped back into my head like a rubber band, "He said 'Wanheda will serve the Ice Queen'," I told her. She sighed, and leaned back against the wall, massaging her temples, seemingly knowing that was the answer. "What does it mean?" Her eyes shot to me and I could tell she was debating how to tell me. "Look, I'm not stupid, Heda is Commander, I know that much. But why would he associate that word with me? Does he think by getting to me he can somehow get to you?"

"No, it isn't about me. Not solely about me at least. You are Wanheda, Clarke. He was talking about you." I wasn't about to ask again so I let her continue, but I was growing uneasy. Lexa seemed genuinely concerned, that much was evident, and for the most impassive person I have ever met to be visibly worried, should definitely mean something. After a moment of contemplation, she continued, "I believe the appropriate translation in your language would be… 'Commander of Death'."

I'm not sure how Lexa expected me to react. She seemed to be waiting for me to explode or lash out. Is that how I was supposed to react? Scream? Cry? Faint? I'm not sure what would have been an appropriate response but, at the time, I couldn't respond at all. I couldn't move, or speak, or cry, because all I felt was hollow. Is this how people saw me now? As some bringer of death. Is that who I was? Come to think of it, people did seem to have a way of dying around me… or I seemed to have a way of killing them. Commander of Death; I suppose it was fitting.

"Clarke," Lexa knelt in front of me as she spoke softly, I guess to try and comfort me, "to my people, it is an honorable title, a respected one, and to some…" she didn't want to say it but I knew what it was.

"To some a feared one." I finished for her.

Her expression turned somber, regretful. "To some yes, but for the most part being Wanheda, for them to give you that title, it means they consider you a great warrior, a powerful leader."

A cynical huff of a laugh flew past my lips. I was no warrior; I could barely survive out there on my own. And what kind of leader abandons her people when things get tough?

She laid her hand gently on my knee to try and comfort me and my resolve weakened for a moment. The craving for physical contact was so strong, especially after denying myself for so long, so I let it linger for just a moment, and appreciated the gentle warmth that emanated from her touch. My mind momentarily forgot how manipulative and conniving and false she could be, but the soft, graze of her thumb against my knee snapped things back into focus and I immediately brushed her off. Her touch was toxic, but it also wasn't, her presence was suffocating in conflicting ways and in my emotional state I just couldn't deal with it. I stood up and moved towards the back of the cave desperate to get away, not just from her but from everything.

"Clarke,"

"No I just, I need a minute, okay?" it came out harsher than was desired but she at least took the hint and stayed quiet while I processed. Her reluctance to share this information was starting to make sense. She must've figured, I wouldn't be able to handle it in my vulnerable state, that was kind of… sweet I suppose, but at the same time insulting and it made me even more determined to get through it.

A few moments passed and I tried to pull myself together to hear the rest of Lexa's spiel, if only so she would leave me alone and I could breathe properly again.

"Alright," I addressed her again. She lifted her head in her crouched state and waited. "So, if this is such a powerful title, then why exactly am I being hunted because of it?" She stood, brushing the dust from the backs of her thighs and sighed.

"It is a powerful title, yes, but power is a desired commodity." I rolled my eyes, sometimes her formal articulation could slow down a conversation. "Because you are Wanheda, you are now not only feared and respected, you are coveted."

"Coveted? Why?" I asked, confused yet again.

"Clarke when I say my people believe you are powerful, I mean it." She almost hissed it at me. Was she frightened? And if so, of what? "They believe Wanheda holds the power of death and whoever can kill Wanheda, will have that power transferred to themselves." She continued and it took my brain a good few seconds to catch up.

Was she serious? It all sounded so ridiculous, I couldn't believe it; the thought of myself holding any sort mystical power over death was completely absurd. But I began to realize my thoughts on this topic didn't really, matter. The fact was, that they believed it, and I started to realize that Lexa's concerns or whatever reason she had for warning me, were in fact, real and valid.

"So, you're saying that I'm now a target for murder, by anyone who believes in this whole 'Wanheda' thing." She nodded, regretfully. "Great, that's just great. All I wanted was to be left alone and now everyone wants to hunt and kill me, that's just fantastic."

"I am not sure why you would be so pleased about this information, Clarke. This is a very real and concerning problem." She was so serious and I huffed a laugh, the most genuine one to escape my lips in weeks.

"I'm not, it's…" How do you explain sarcasm to the most direct person you've ever met? By then I just couldn't be bothered, "I was just joking I guess."

"This is not a joke."

"I know." I said in all seriousness, as I tried to rub away the stale tension from my face with my hands. Honestly by that point I had little concern left to wallow in. The exhaustion was starting to take hold, from the lack of sleep I'd had and my only thought were of dealing with it all later. "So, what do you want me to do with this information?"

She was confused and it showed, "What do you mean?"

"Well, you've warned me, you did your job, now you can leave me to deal with it. It's my problem, not yours."

"That's not how this works, Clarke."

I scoffed, "Oh yeah? And how exactly do you think it works, oh wise Commander."

She straightened up and held her head high, in true Heda posture, "You are coming to Polis with me. We leave at first light."

* * *

 _TRANSLATIONS - "Go, Soran. Stand watch with Sersha and wait for my command."_


	3. Chapter 3 - A New Perception

Sorry for the wait guys. Hope you are all well and happy. Let me know what you think :)

* * *

CHAPTER 3 – A New Perception

The fire crackled, warm and bright, in the center of the cave. The flames licked against each other, creating a dance of reds and yellows, shadows and lights. Beneath it, the embers burned hot while the wood kept it strong and steady.

As my eyes scattered over the colorful chaos in front of me, I found myself wondering when exactly my own fire had burned out. What was that moment when I decided that I was done and just gave up? Was it when I pulled that leaver and all those innocent people died by my hand? Was it after that, when I realized no one was coming to my rescue and this guilt was mine to bare alone? Or was it something else?

My mind wandered around these things as I threw a piece of chipped rock into the flames. It crackled and sparks flew into the air, like drifting stars, but my eyes followed one particle in particular. It drifted through the air, still alight with its orange hue and, eventually landed on my bent knee. But as soon as it met my pale skin, through the ripped hole in my jeans, the light instantly burned out. A spark of realization flickered within me and I huffed a cynical laugh; a symbol for my entire existence literally, just fell into my lap.

Earlier I reassured Lexa that, while it had crossed my mind, I wouldn't try to escape, purely because there was no possible way to do so, not with Soran standing guard outside. With that concern extinguished, she had let herself fall asleep about an hour ago, sitting up against the far wall. My eyes involuntarily flickered towards her. Her arms were crossed, head propped to one side. Despite her awkward sleeping position, she looked peaceful. That bothered me a little.

After she… informed? No, ordered. After she ordered me to accompany her back to Polis, I had of course objected. In fact, I yelled at her, a lot, and at one point, picked up my pack and threw it at her but she remained calm and collected. She didn't yell back, or argue, hell she didn't even speak, she just calmly picked it up and placed it neatly in the corner, which annoyed me more than it should have, but also didn't in a weird way. She stood in complete silence until I had finished my protest, until my throat was too raw to argue anymore and, when it was, she asked if I was hungry. My reply was a short and simple "sure" before I collapsed in front of the fire. We sat in silence for about half before she drifted off.

"What are you thinking about?" She startled me. How long had she been awake? Her eyes opened and a small smirk graced her lips. My staring wasn't as discrete as was desired.

I gave her a disinterested shrug and threw another stone into the flames. She sighed disappointedly, "You're going to have to talk to me sooner or later." I didn't respond.

A moment later, Soren came walking in through the cave entrance with two dead rabbits and some sort of large bird slung over his broad shoulders. He was slightly out of breath but with little effort, he tossed them to the cave floor next to the fire.

"Mochof, Suron." Lexa thanked him. "Kep in Phastan gon yu en Sersia." Though my understanding of Trigedasleng wasn't particularly great, I assumed that Phastan must've been what the bird was called, but that was the second time she had used the word 'Sersha'. It sounded like a name, one of her guards maybe?

"Sha, Heda. Mochof." He replied with a bow, before untying the bird and leaving us with the rabbits. Soren left with a stiff stride while Lexa pulled out a large hunting knife and began preparing the meat. She skinned, gutted and cleaned them all the while, seemingly deep in thought; her brow furrowed and eyes focused.

Once the animals were resting on a spit over the fire and she had nothing to occupy herself with, she addressed me again, "You know, Clarke, as Commander, I am required to converse with many, less than trustworthy people. Because of this I have become quite good at reading people; how they think, how they feel, how they lie, how they hide. I know something bothers you and has since you saw me again. If we are going to be in each other's company for a while, I think it's time we discussed it."

"Can we not do this now? I'm irritated enough as it is, I have no desire to stir the pot even further." I replied turning my focus back to the fire and throwing in another stone.

She lifted a curious eyebrow, "I can assure you this has nothing to do with cooking."

A deep growl of frustration ripped through me, "It means that I don't want to make the situation worse than it already is. It's bad enough feeling this mad."

"Well perhaps that exactly why we need to talk about what troubles you."

"You know exactly what bothers me, Lexa." I snapped, "Though I don't really understand why you're acting like you care."

She seemed genuinely caught off guard by that. "Why do you assume that I don't? Do my actions not tell you otherwise?" she asked calm but curious.

A scoff breached my lips. She clearly still had her own pride intact. "Lexa, your actions have told me nothing, except that you only care for yourself, that you build false trust and then betray those who believe you when you promise them things you know they need."

She frowned deeply, obviously hurt by my words, "Clarke, that's not fair. My intentions, at the time, were pure and I never intended to deceive you."

" _Fair_?!" she couldn't be serious. "You think I'm being _unfair_? After what _you_ did?!"

"That's not what I meant, I just… ugh you're not hearing me correctly. I have apologized to you and I am trying to help you now."

"And you think that makes up for everything you've put me through?"

"No, of course not, but it should show you that I am trying to make up for my _unintentional_ deception. The blame cannot be placed solely on my shoulders for what happened. Clarke, I don't want to fight about this anymore. We've been over it enough."

"I don't give a shit. You wanted to know what my problem was so we're gonna talk about it." I was done holding back. "Look, I don't care what you claim your reasons are for being here right now. Maybe you are here to help me but there's always some selfish agenda with you, because you _are_ selfish, and heartless." My hands had come alive and were backing my points with animated gestures. "You take only what benefits you and leave everyone else in the dust behind you." I may have meant some of what I was saying, but mostly, I think I was just trying to hurt her. After all that had happened she deserved a little of what I was feeling.

"Stop, Clarke, you don't know what you are talking about." There was a hard warning in her voice, but it was hard to tell if it was from anger or hurt. Maybe a bit of both. But I couldn't stop. It was like a vent had been opened, and every piece of bottled up words and emotions just came flooding out.

"No, you know what? I think I'm finally seeing things clearly. The Commander of the twelve clans sitting here before me, in all her glory and do you know what I see? A cold-hearted, lonely, little girl, who would sacrifice anything and anyone to get what she wants. And for some unknown reason I think that you're almost lucky. Because it's just so damn easy for you, isn't it? Having the ability to just forget about everything, to shut it all out; The love, the loss, the tragedy, the killing, the death, the betrayal; you can just throw it all away like it never even existed-"

"You think my life is _easy_?" She cut me off this time. Her response was sudden and startling so much so that my body jumped. I'd struck a nerve. Her tone had changed as well, it was harsh, dark, almost a hiss. "Don't speak like you know everything about me, Clarke. Nothing I do is easy. Nothing I do is ever simple, or fair, or without consequence. I never forget the things I've done or the people I have hurt. My duty, my _purpose_ , is to protect and govern my people, that is why I am Heda, that is what I was chosen for, and that comes at a cost greater than you could imagine. Although, I suppose now, you must have some idea as to what it's like for me every day." I had to look away, her gaze was too penetrating and so were her words.

"You call me heartless," she continued, "but I'm not the one who abandoned my own people." It was a cheap shot but it was the truth and I couldn't argue against it. "What you've experienced is but a small taste of what I have dealt with since becoming Commander. You've been on this planet for a few months, Clarke. I've been here for twenty-one years. You've dealt with this harsh reality for less time than it took me to realize leading comes at a price, one which you must learn quickly if you are ever going to lead your people again. Maybe now is the time to stop pitying yourself and blaming me for decisions that we both made and now must live with. Maybe now is the time to start learning to forgive yourself because we _both_ know that's what your real problem is." She turned abruptly and stormed out of the cave, leaving me with the aftermath of her words. It was the most she'd ever revealed about herself and what troubled me most was that she was right. Even in just the short time I'd known her, I could see the weight she carried on her shoulders, the obstacles that she had to overcome every day.

It was clear I had pushed too far, been too ruthless and blinded by my own self-pity and rage. The worst part was that it I didn't even feel any better for it. Hurting her did not alleviate any of the guilt or pain that was compressing my heart and it left me wondering if maybe she wasn't the problem. Maybe she was right, maybe the problem was just me.

* * *

Over an hour passed and Lexa still hadn't returned, which left me wallowing in insufferable guilt. I hate feeling guilty, more than sadness, more than pain, although I suppose guilt always comes with a little of those mixed in with it. I didn't want to feel guilty for hurting her, after all she did the same to me, but as much as humans want to hide and suppress our emotions, ultimately, they're beyond our control.

The sound of feet against stone caught my attention before a figure appeared in the doorway. I'd hoped to find Lexa there but instead Soran stood across from me. He looked at me for a few good seconds, sizing me up before walking over to the wall and leaning back against it. Lexa must have sent him to keep an eye on me. Guess I couldn't blame her for needing space. I looked him over, studying him. So far, the only thing I knew about him was that of his physical attributes and he was obviously loyal to Lexa.

After a few minutes of eyeing me suspiciously, he pulled out a knife and sharpening stone, and began sliding the edge of the blade against. The sound echoed throughout the enclosed space as he moved it from back to front. Although it was probably not the best time to engage with him, while he was holding a deadly weapon, I figured since we were in a closed environment together, might as well find out some more about him, especially considering how close he seemed to Lexa.

"Hey," I said, trying to gain his attention. He glanced in my direction briefly but then returned to his task like I hadn't even spoken. "It's Soran right? Your name?" I tried again. Nothing. It occurred to me that maybe he didn't speak English but my stubbornness and utter boredom wouldn't let me give up. "I can't speak much of your language, but do you think you could show me how to do that?" his movements paused, mid swipe of his blade and he finally looked at me. "Can you show me how to sharpen my blade?" I asked again, pulling out a small skinning knife I'd kept with me since leaving camp. He looked at me and then the knife. "Teach me, uh... tich op?" I probably butchered the pronunciation but he seemed to understand.

He didn't speak but his head gave a sharp tug to the right, indicating me to come over. I grabbed my knife and made my way over. He gestured to the spot beside him and began showing me the basic procedure of knife sharpening, running the blade along the stone from hilt to tip. The sound of steel to stone had an oddly peaceful effect on me, of which I couldn't quit understand and whenever my motions became too harsh or too soft, Soren would calmly correct it.

We sat like that for a while until the blades were razor sharp. "Thank you. Mochof." I said, quickly changing dialect. He simply nodded in response. It was clear this man had a hard exterior, but something told me that he was softer and kinder than what appeared on the surface.

"Do you speak any English? Gonasleng?" I asked as he sheathed his knife, and it looked as though he was deciding whether or not to answer me.

Eventually he seemed to make up his mind, gave me a slight nod, and replied, "Yes. Small," while indicating it by pinching the air.

"How long have you served the Commander?" He appeared to sift through my words, trying to make sense of them and then began counting, mostly in his head but his fingers certainly assisted.

"I guard Heda for… eleven seasons." He concluded. I was shocked. Lexa was only twenty-one, meaning he had served her since she was ten. The thought of someone so young needing a body guard was so strange.

"And how old are you?" My question seemed to confuse him so I tried to alter it. "Uh your age…How many seasons are you?" I poked him ever so gently in to chest to which he frowned at but made no attempt to push me away. That seemed positive.

"I live for twenty-seven seasons." He was sixteen when he first became Lexa's guard. Sometimes it's hard to believe how such responsibility is given to people so young on Earth. So much expectation and pressure at such a young age even for those who had just arrived.

After a while Soren started to relax somewhat and we managed to keep a steady but slow discussion. He asked me questions, as best he could, about life in space and I'd ask the same about life on the ground, but always vague generic questions, never anything too personal. I was not willing to overstep my bounds. It was becoming apparent that I'd need to brush up on my Trigedasleng if there was any hope of communicating properly with him, but despite the communication issues, I really enjoyed his company.

Before long he told me, goodnight and stepped outside to keep watch, or hunt or whatever it is he did. After a moment his absence, however, made the silence unbearable, because there was nothing to distract or distort my thoughts. I realized that the fleeting time I'd spent here, even against my will, had actually been helpful. Originally, I had left because I thought the pain of my actions, would lessen if there was no one there to remind me of them, but there was no denying that it felt better to have people there to, at least, help minimize the endless voices and screams of pain and fear, swimming in my mind. People can drown in isolation, maybe sometimes we need someone there to help keep our heads above the water.

* * *

Lexa didn't return until morning which, strangely, upset me. I'd finished cooking the rabbits hoping she'd at least come back to eat so I could apologize, but she didn't. Sleep eventually overtook me, and it wasn't until the first glimmers of light penetrated the cave entrance that she walked in, startling me awake as she did so. At first it seemed like she was still upset, because she quickly started packing her things and dampening the fire.

I sighed, knowing it was best get it out of the way and express my regret over last night's outburst before we left for Polis; it would be a long, awkward trip, otherwise.

"Look, Lexa I just want to say-" My attempt to apologize was futile, however.

"Good, you're already awake. We must leave. Gather your things." Her tone was urgent and serious; something was wrong.

"Why? What going on?"

"We've been followed. Come, we have to hurry." She said, rolling up a shirt and stuffing it in her pack.

It was clear there was no room for argument, my apology would have to wait. We both hurriedly grabbed our things and moved swiftly outside. I took one last look at the cave before walking out. Although it hadn't been a willing or pleasant stay in the dark, dank cavern, something in me had shifted in that place, a change that was hopefully for the better.

With that in mind, I walked out. The first rush of cool, morning air felt incredible against my muggy skin. Even though my time in the cave wasn't longer than a couple of days, it still felt good to be out of that hot, humid atmosphere. The light was so clear and bright filtering through the trees and I wished to take a moment to soak it all in but the sound of a galloping horse cut through my serenity.

Soran road through the trees on a large, deep brown horse with a darker face. Its muscles rippled as it's long legs sped with proud certainty towards us. They looked like true warriors, both with their heads held high. He did not come alone, though. His right hand gripped the reins of what must no doubt be Lexa's horse, and I shouldn't have been surprise that the Commander would possess the most striking animal I'd ever seen. Though slightly smaller than Soren's horse, it's muscular definition was no less defined and as it hit the sunlight It's pearly, white coat gave off a silvery shimmer, like nothing I'd ever seen before. It's main fell just below it's neck, white, except for the ends which faded to black. My eyes could not be torn away from the radiant creature.

Their pace slowed as they neared us until they drew to a stop. Lexa took the reins and ran her hand gently down the animals neck, smoothing back the soft hair that grew there. "Clarke, this is Reya, my oldest friend." Lexa explained, with clear fondness in her voice that she rarely expressed. Reya obviously meant a lot to her.

I reached my hand out and gently caressed her muzzle. Never before had I been so enamored by an animal. She was beautiful and obviously kind in nature, for she immediately nuzzled into my hand, shifting it further up her face until she had me scratching between her ears, as her eyes closed in what seemed like contentment. My quick glance sideways at Lexa had me matching her own curious face. Clearly, she found the interaction peculiar for some reason.

But all too soon, the peaceful moment was cut short.

"Heda, emo komb'ir. Fai gon em. Osir souda bants, nau." Soran said insistently and Lexa nodded in agreement.

"Ge Sersia en trana pul emo we, den hit op osir gon raun klinrona." She replied before graciously climbing on Reya's back. Soran nodded then kicked his horse and hastily road back the way he came. My Trigedasleng was weak but I could make out a little; something about five of them and heading to a river.

"Come, Clarke." She reached her hand out to me but I hesitated, not realizing we'd be riding together. She sighed, "I swear to get you your own horse once we reach Tondc but right now we have no time for hesitancy." She was right, my weird cloud of conflicting feelings would have to wait. I grabbed her hand and heaved myself up onto the horse behind her, wrapping my arms loosely around her thin, but strong waist.

"Hos raun, Reya." She whispered to the horse before giving her a swift kick. We surged forward and my grip on Lexa's waist tightened as we gained speed, weaving between trees and vaulting over broken branches and jagged rocks. The rush of cool air against my face, contrasted satisfyingly with the calming heat, emanating from the body in front of me and, for a second all sense of danger was forgotten, for the first time in months, I felt content. I closed my eyes and imagined a different time when things weren't so complicated or…violent but, unexpectedly, the place I pictured was exactly the same… and so was the company. It was a surprisingly comforting thought.

It wasn't long before we reached a shallow stream and had just crossed it when something similar to a swift whistle flew past my ear. My eyes shot open in surprise and Lexa urged Reya on, seemingly destressed by the sound. I searched my surroundings for the source but couldn't see anything, until I swiveled my head around behind us. Suddenly two riders appeared from the trees not twenty meters back, each reloading their bows with arrows. Instant panic erupted within me.

"Lexa!" I yelled to her trying to point her attention to them, but she was seemingly, already aware and instantly broke right, ducking between two trees just as an arrow imbedded itself into the left one. I tucked my head against her back and held on tightly, painfully aware of the fact that my back was the easiest target and trying to make myself trust in Lexa's ability to get us out of this situation.

"Do not fear, Clarke." It was barely audible amongst the sound of charging horses and the war cries of the predators behind us, but I heard it and more importantly, I believed her.

We reached a clear-cut trail but Lexa ignored it and road straight across, through the woods and into an open field, which worried me because it lacked the cover of the trees and foliage. We were too exposed. Another arrow shot passed, barely missing my thigh. "We need cover," I told her, looking back at the warriors behind us who were taking advantage of the easy targets and lining up their next shots. I turned back and ducked down just as two arrows flew by us, but this time one caught Lexa's right arm. The tip sliced through her shirt and neatly cut through her skin revealing the black blood beneath. It slid down her arm like watered down tar and immediately clamped my hand over it, stopping the flow. She didn't make a sound and it didn't deter her in the slightest, but the cut was worryingly deep.

"Lexa…"

"It's okay. We're almost there." She tried to reassure me but I was panicking. I kept my hand clamped tightly over her wound and my left arm secured around her waist as we sped towards the forest again. The riders were getting closer, I could almost feel them behind me, like a shiver of a presence shooting up my spine. We were almost at the tree line and I heard their swords being drawn, so close, ready to strike, when suddenly two bone-masked riders emerged from the trees ahead either side of us, bows at the ready. Their arrows released and flew towards us with great precision and my eyes closed shut in preparation. Over these last few months I'd thought I'd be ready if death ever came for me, that maybe my time was borrowed and fleeting, but the only thing running through my mind was that Lexa and I would both die without any sort of resolution or peace between us, and that thought was terrifying. My arm tightened desperately around her waist, my cheek compressed against her shoulder so much so that it because painful. I waited fearfully, for the impact… But there was nothing; no pain, no blood, and the only darkness was that which my closed eyes were providing.

The horse start to slow and Lexa's left hand came to rest on top of mine that was still wrapped around her abdomen, her fingers gently brushing against mine in an attempt to calm me. When the horse came to a full stop I held my breath before cautiously opening my eyes and heaved a sigh of relief at the sight before me.

"Heda, don emo bash op yu?" Soren asked lifting his mask as he trotted towards us. Those masks were Trikru, that should've been a giveaway but it all just happened way too fast.

"No, you got here just in time. Mochof, both of you." It was then that I was reminded of the second rider and my curiosity peaked. They were almost the same height as Soren but it was hard to tell their exact proportions under the thick cloak they were wearing. Lexa dismounted Reya and ripped off a piece of her shirt, wrapping it tight around her wounded arm. The second rider did the same, dismounting their own light tan horse, and then they both walked toward one and other.

"Your aim could use some work. That arrow almost hit me." Lexa said as the rider walked confidently towards the Commander.

They stopped when they came face to face and the rider removed their mask.

"And your riding skills are almost lifeless. I'm surprised Reya is still standing." I'm not sure what was more shocking, the stunningly feminine face that was hidden beneath the horrifying mask made from dead things, or the fact that, that someone just insulted Lexa and they weren't lying dead on the ground already.

My already confused brain hit the floor when instead Lexa smiled the most genuine smile I'd ever seen come from her and hugged the woman enthusiastically… What on earth was happening?

* * *

TRANSLATIONS -

 _Mochof, Suron. Kep in Phastan gon yu en Sersia._

Thank you Soran. Keep the Phastan for you and Sersha.

 _Sha, Heda. Mochof_

Yes Commander. Thank you.

 _Heda, emo komb'ir. Fai gon em. Osir souda bants, nau._

Commander, they're coming. Five of them. We must leave, now.

 _Ge Sersia en trana pul emo we, den hit op osir gon raun klinrona._

Get Sersha and try to draw them away, then meet us at the river.

 _Hos raun, Reya_

Hurry, Reya

 _Heda, don emo bash op yu?_

Commander, did they harm you?


End file.
